“An Impending Fate”
In three hundred years
When trivial seem these fears
Of global warming
And a church reforming.
When democracy falls
And fire lines the halls.
When the Monarch rules
Because we’ve all been fools.
And no one could see
Where this future would lead
Because we’ve gotten lazy
Our minds gone hazy.
Once people sailed
And free air they inhaled.
Now across that sea waits
Retirement’s gates
Where the people do naught
And can’t remember why they fought
Can’t remember independence
For she lies beyond the fence.
Who will climb above?
Who will express their love?
For that country across the sea
For which so many slaved.
That land of the free.
That home of the brave.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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OK. Lets all remember what we are talking about here. Patriotism, and the results from lack of such.
From reading almost everyones critiques on other posts, grammer, flow, rhythym, and adherence to poetic writings overall is very important. You have alot of that covered here.
since this is a patriotic piece, then I think it should comply heavily with proper writing skills.
there are a lot of GREAT suggestions here. as the author, MAX, I think you should feel the poem, and portray exactly what you want to portray.
I see patriotism.
every countryman likes to protray patriotism. How do you want to protray it as an american.....
Remember, we are going for first place in an independence day poetry contest here.
I still love it!
Awesome poem really
one thing
Here do you mean a specific church reforming or reforming churches overall ? If you mean reforming churches overall I'd suggest cutting the "a"
About punctuation, I dont really like them dots alot in poems especially when my stanza's are so formed that there's one sentence in each line or a sentence which was separated by a comma.
What I do is, I make these invisible dots
For Example :
Instead of the dots I use capitalization. Decapitilizing everything except for where the new sentence begins, now this to some people might look shabby since capitilazing every line is rather "in" shall we say hehe well its up to you mate
Cheerios, Chandni
Is punctuation completely necessary in a poem? I'm not sure how to fix this one up.
edit-look, i've got stanzas and everything! yes or no to stanzas?
In three hundred years
When trivial seem these fears
Of global warming,
And a church reforming.
When democracy falls
And fire lines the halls
Where the Monarch rules
Because we've all been fools.
And no one could see
Where this future would lead
Because we've gotten lazy,
Our minds gone hazy.
Once people sailed
And free air they inhaled.
Now across that sea waits
Retirements gates.
Where the people do naught
And can't remember why they fought
Can't remember being free
In that country across the sea.
I don't like the new punctuation (I tend to go away from full-stops at the end of lines in preference of commas) but the new ending is much improved.
haha, thanks. I need serious help with punctution though. I never know where to put what. Especially in poems. How's this:
In three hundred years
When trivial seem these fears
Of global warming
And a church reforming.
When democracy falls
And fire lines the halls.
When the Monarch rules
Because we’ve all been fools.
And no one could see
Where this future would lead
Because we’ve gotten lazy
Our minds gone hazy.
Once people sailed
And free air they inhaled.
Now across that sea waits
Retirement’s gates.
Where the people do naught
And can’t remember why they fought.
Can’t remember being free
In that country across the sea.
That is totally better, groovin'.
Now work on puctuation. My only thought is a period after Retirement's gates. But there could be more.
First place next independence day.
how about if i just cut off the end, the questions and cliche. it makes the country in discussion less obvious, which is maybe a good thing. as for the speed at which it goes by, it kind of represents how quickly we are moving towards the "impending fate".
In three hundred years
When trivial seem these fears
Of global warming
And a church reforming.
When democracy falls
And fire lines the halls.
When the Monarch rules
Because we’ve all been fools.
And no one could see
Where this future would lead
Because we’ve gotten lazy
Our minds gone hazy.
Once people sailed
And free air they inhaled.
Now across that sea waits
Retirement’s gates
Where the people do naught
And can’t remember why they fought
Can’t remember being free
In that country across the sea.
The metre is steady at the start but it's lost with "independence/fence" and the two questions which completely disrupt the flow. It ran rather quickly, like a rap in my head. I think if you balanced the flow a little better, and managed to slow it down, it might sound better.
I like the subject matter though, I found the rhymes quite witty (hence why it sounded like a rap to me). The ending was bought from a cliche shop, though. Change the ending.
This is really good. I like anyway. It seems a bit hard on the flow in some places, and a bit choppy in flow.
Of course I love the subject. With some revision, this would def win a fourth of july poetry contest.